BDSMR is a five-part consent checklist — an acronym for Boundaries, Desires, STDs/STIs, Meaning, and Relationships — used before sexual intimacy to ensure that you're honoring yourself, your partner, and both of your souls in any sexual exchange.
What Does BDSMR Stand For?
- Boundaries — asking and answering, "Do you have any boundaries?"
- e.g. "I just want to kiss", "I would like to keep clothes on", etc.
- Desires — asking and answering, "What are your desires?"
- e.g. "I want to suck on your lip", "I want to get in the shower", etc.
- STDs/STIs — asking and answering, "Do you have any STIs? When were you last tested?"
- e.g. "I was last tested on [date] and tested negative for [X, Y, Z]."
- Meaning — asking and answering, "What does this encounter mean to/for you?"
- e.g. "If we have sex then we are moving forward with commitment" or "just exploring"
- Relationships — asking and answering, "Are there significant others in your life right now?"
- e.g. "Are you in an open relationship?", "Have you newly started seeing someone?", etc.
Where Did BDSMR Come From?
The concept and language was crafted by tantra teacher Shachar Caspi, along his journey from Israeli sniper to sexual shaman. Shachar believes in the explosive power of sexual healing and supports each individual in his or her most authentic expression of love.
FAQ
What does BDSMR stand for?
Boundaries, Desires, STDs/STIs, Meaning, and Relationships — five questions asked and answered before sexual intimacy.
Is BDSMR the same as BDSM?
No. 📝BDSM names a set of erotic practices; BDSMR is a consent conversation held before intimacy of any kind, kink or not. The acronyms are easy to confuse, but the two serve unrelated purposes.
Who created BDSMR?
Tantra teacher Shachar Caspi, whose work sits in somatic and relational practice. The framework reached wider circulation through a 2019 episode of Shannon Algeo's podcast.
Do you have to ask all five out loud?
No. The checklist works as training wheels for a conversation most people were never taught to have. With practice the questions get asked naturally, and some answer themselves — a boundary of "nothing below the belt tonight" defers the STI question to another day.
When is the right time to run through it?
Before intimacy rather than during it. The point is to have the conversation while both people are still clear-headed enough to answer honestly and to hear an answer they did not want.
How I Use BDSMR
The BDSMR framework was introduced to me by 📝Shar Ghoudsifar when he shared a podcast by Shannon Algeo in 2019. I started using it in monogamous dating and—much later—in 📝Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM).
I eventually turned it into a Google Doc template, but ultimately realized I'd become too reliant on the structure and started to learn to use it verbally—and eventually without explaining it to partners (e.g. if a partner offers a boundary of "nothing below the belt tonight" then the STI conversation gets punted to another day).