ANCHORS is a framework for 📝sovereign relating — a 📝living agreement held across seven domains (Anchor, Narrative, Co-creation, Health, Others, Repair, Systems) that keeps 📝ownership of one's needs, limits, and desires anchored in the self.

ANCHORS is a 🏷️#relational-framework for negotiating 📝intimacy — from a single encounter to a long-term partnership — while staying anchored in one's own 📝sovereignty and supporting the sovereignty of those to whom you relate. It synthesizes elements of four practices: the domain structure of pre-intimacy checklists such as 📝BDSMR; the 📝consent conditions of 📝FRIES and the 📝scene practices of 📝TEASE; and the self-first philosophy of 📝Relational Sovereignty. The name is also the thesis: one anchors in the 📝self before relating outward.

The Framework

At its simplest, ANCHORS is seven domains, walked in turn. The first six are spoken from "I" in a single breath, with nothing to read; the seventh, Systems, names the standing systems that keep the other six alive over time.

A — Anchor — what is mine to hold.
- e.g. "I hold my own rest, time, and money; I commit from desire, not guilt."
N — Narrative — what this is, and is not.
- e.g. "I see this as friendship and play — not a merger, not a step toward one."
C — Co-creation — what we make together.
- e.g. "I want dates, scenes, and creative collaboration where everyone is met with care."
H — Health — bodies, safety, and limits.
- e.g. "I use green / yellow / red; I was last tested in [month]; my hard limits are […]."
O — Others — who else is in our lives.
- e.g. "My partners are […]; I ask for prompt word of any new fluid bonding."
R — Repair — how we come back.
- e.g. "I need [aftercare]; when we rupture, I ask that we name it rather than go silent."
S — Systems — what keeps us aligned over time.
- e.g. "We agree to respect 📝Safewords and practice a weekly 📝RADAR."

Say "Let's ANCHOR" and walk the six domains — a shared agreement, spoken in the moment. The seventh, Systems, is how you'll keep that anchor holding: the check-ins and safewords you run again and again. That's the S — what turns a one-time ANCHOR into ANCHORS, an agreement you re-drop over time rather than a conversation you had once.

How to Use It

Two people take turns; each says their piece for every domain.

Beginners need only one rule: start every line with "I." "I hold…," "I ask…," "I want…," "I don't…." Speaking from "I" keeps each person owning their own experience instead of directing the other's — which is the whole point. There are no categories to memorize. Systems is the one exception: because a system only works if both people run it, its line is spoken as "we" — "We agree to…" — not "I."
Experienced practitioners can go deeper with the grammar. Each line is one of four speech-acts — a need, a boundary, a request, or a desire — distinguished by who owns and enforces it, so a limit stays self-enforced rather than outsourced to a partner's compliance. This is optional refinement, never required to use ANCHORS.
- 📝The Grammar of Sovereign Relating.
Every domain holds both boundaries and desires. BDSMR gave Boundaries and Desires their own letters; ANCHORS gives them to every letter. A boundary is a limit the speaker enforces through their own behavior; a desire is an invitation offered without attachment — and each of the seven domains can carry both. Depth scales with stakes: in a quick ANCHOR (a play party, a first scene) they mix freely, one breath per domain. In a deep ANCHOR (a relationship covenant) each domain is walked twice — boundaries first, then desires — so a partner always hears where the walls are before hearing where the doors open.

Say It Aloud

ANCHORS is built to be introduced verbally, in the moment, to someone who has never heard of it — this spoken form is the shareable version of the whole framework.

"Let's ANCHOR. Seven things, and we each take a turn: what's mine to hold, what this is, what we're making, health and safety, who else is in our lives, how we come back, and what systems we agree to run. Start your sentences with 'I.' You go first."

A person who knows the framework can run it with a person who does not — nothing to read.

Three Scopes

ANCHORS is written at whatever scope the moment needs, each a specialization of the one before it.

Self-Covenant — the root: one's agreement with oneself, authored once and revised over time. Every other covenant inherits from it.
Relational Covenant — a living agreement with one person that inherits the self-covenant and adds what is specific to the dyad; it is dated and revisited as the relationship evolves.
Scene — a time-boxed container for a single encounter, where safewords, FRIES, and TEASE do their work. A scene can nest inside a covenant or stand alone.

Why It Matters

ANCHORS separates two things that pre-intimacy checklists tend to fuse: the scene (a bounded encounter) and the relationship (a living agreement that evolves). By giving each its own scope, it can hold both a first-night negotiation and a multi-year partnership without strain. Its self-first structure keeps the anchor of commitment in each individual rather than the partner. Six of its domains are content spoken from "I" in a single breath — as teachable as any checklist — while the seventh, Systems, is the meta domain that names the upkeep keeping the other six alive as the covenant evolves. The optional grammar offers further depth to those who want it.

FAQ

What does ANCHORS stand for?

Anchor, Narrative, Co-creation, Health, Others, Repair, and Systems — the seven domains two people walk to negotiate and maintain intimacy.

Do I need to learn the grammar to use ANCHORS?

No. Beginners need only one rule — start every line with "I." The four-category grammar is optional depth for those who want to sharpen their phrasing.

How is a scene different from a covenant?

A scene is a bounded, present-tense encounter; a covenant is a living agreement that evolves over time. ANCHORS treats them as separate scopes rather than one document.

Is ANCHORS only for kink or non-monogamy?

No. It applies to any intimate connection, monogamous or not, and travels alongside kink without being about it.

Where did BDSMR's Boundaries and Desires go?

They became a dimension instead of domains. Every ANCHORS domain holds both — the limits one enforces and the invitations one offers — and a deep ANCHOR names each explicitly, domain by domain, boundaries before desires.

I built ANCHORS because I wanted one framework that held everything I valued across the tools I'd been using — the domains of a good pre-intimacy checklist, the consent rigor of FRIES and TEASE, the self-first commitment of relational sovereignty, and the systems that keep it all alive — under a name that doesn't fight its own meaning. ANCHORS keeps me the origin point: I steady in myself, then I relate.

📝ANCHORS Covenant (Blank Template) — a blank covenant to fork and complete with a partner.